Right before your divorce is final, you may feel a lot of uncertainty about your future. In fact, I know you will. However, this is NORMAL. Undoubtedly, this is one of the top stressors in life and can be one of the most major down moments in your life. Luckily, some never have to experience it (very rare), while some can relate to every aspect and share what they have gone through after only the first three months or so after a divorce (very in tune; they knew divorce was for them). Recently, I joined a Facebook group because I was looking for support. Lemme tell you, seeing the pain that newly separated or divorced folks are going through makes my heart ache for them. And full disclosure, it brought up a lot of memories. There are many reasons couples split nowadays and just as many ways people handle divorce. When it’s a toxic divorce, it may include the following signs: 1) Your ex avoids you at all costs. 2) Your ex – makes it difficult even to get close to getting the papers signed. 3) You both start fighting over finances – not knowing that divorces do take a considerable toll on finances and credits scores (though there are ways to build it back up quickly). 4) They must show up at the right time when it's time to meditate (sabotage). 5) The ex makes it difficult for the children. 6) They do not have a lawyer, so you do all the heavy lifting. 7) They will not cooperate on the little things. 8) You trash-talk each other in front of your kids. You think "this person I truly loved and was married to me is acting like this?" WTF? Then in a somewhat more civil divorce: 1) You talk about the next steps. 2) You agree you must do what is best for you and your children (if applicable). 3) You both are practicing taking time for yourselves and moving through the initial feelings of the divorce. 4) You are amicable and even meet up to discuss what’s happening and remain friends. 5) You agree to disagree on topics related to your situation and move on. 6) You both practice active listening when the other is concerned about a situation happening in the family. 7) You both seek to get a peaceful closure. 8) You prioritize yourselves and take care of yourselves because it’s not a situation where you sign the papers and then walk and never talk again. Here at Divorcee Dish, we hear stories from everyone unique. Our best advice is to think before you speak, keep your feeling in check, listen to your lawyer or mediator, then begin your new life. Peace, Erin

Did you have a prenup? What does it mean for the end of your marriage? Let's take a look at this situation. Say you were young and in love when you signed this prenup. Did you read it thoroughly? Did you understand what would happen with a prenup? Let’s look into the world of “Crap, I have a prenup” or “Yay for me, I have a prenup.” A prenup is defined as an agreement made by a couple before they marry, concerning the ownership of their respective assets should the marriage fail and one side has a prenuptial agreement. Since this happened, you may not have read the details since you signed it some time ago. However, here is a list of things that may or may not be in your prenup. Prenups also can cause a lack of trust in your partner, or you both agree you are protecting assets. What type of assets, you ask? Property owned before and during a marriage. Personal or combined debt pre-marriage and in the divorce papers, you would define how post-marital debt would be covered. Disability – what happens if you or your spouse becomes disabled? Where would this prenup stand? Combined Earning pre-, during, post marriage. A gift that may have been given to you by family during the marriage or before. It may include an infidelity clause that could help one side in a case of confusion. However, some prenuptial agreements do not hold up in court because someone unintentionally does something that would break the contract. Then there are several pros and cons provided by legal zoom. As you enter mediation or the litigation part of a divorce, be sure you know what is in the prenup because it can make this situation much better or worse. Wishing you nothing but the best, Erin

Being alone hurts sometimes. OK, more than just occasionally. OK, a lot. I've touched on loneliness before on this blog, but it bears repeating how hard it can be, especially with the holidays mere days away. However, lately, I've been trying to learn how to cope with loneliness and still be robust. Yep, robust. As in, "I need to get my ass out of bed, get breakfast going, get the kiddos out the door and start on the million and one work and personal projects I need to finish before it's time to turn in for the night." Loneliness is a weird thing, especially after going through a divorce. While it's a relief to be separated from your not-so-well-suited former partner, I don't know about your, but I still yearn to be near someone else. A new partner? A lover? A friend? All three? Perhaps. My subsequent love interest may be at the coffee shop the next time I make an espresso run. Or maybe he's someone I already know, yet he hasn't told me. Or is there a mystery man out there I have yet to meet? Being alone and sometimes feeling like no one cares enough to check in on you (NOT entirely true, you do have family, friends, and loved ones; I'm talking a "special someone") and thinking about you hurts. OMG, I never expected to feel this way. My heart has had losses; sometimes, it seems almost too much to bear. At times, I am at a loss on where I should turn when it comes to finding Mr. Right or, at the very least, Mr. For-The-Time-Being. And I'm so over dating sites there should be a new word for 'over'. They're abhorrent, setting you up with high expectations, hoping for some connection, but it doesn’t happen. People are beyond ridiculous with nude selfies taken in the gym or the bathroom. Not one single person serious about dating would do that. They want a booty call, plain and simple. How about a site whose members' motto is "let me treat you like a human being and get to know you." Now that's a novel concept in this day and age. The whole dating thing is crazy frustrating, whether oonline or through a friend, chance encounter, or other circumstances. And even if you connect with someone, it's hard to tell if they're serious about dating or want a quick lay and then are off to the next person. It is complex and confusing – do you accept “never married and no kids” – i.e., did they miss out earlier or were they so caught up in themselves that they just never settled? I've met some incredible humans who wanted love and contentment but never settled down even when they had a perfect match, and they left, bopping along and bedding down with one person to the next. To me, it's sad, but I guess some really wonderful people are terrified of any kind of connection or commitment. So there you have it; I've gone from starting this missive about feeling lonely to the trials and tribulations of dating in just five paragraphs! But in all seriousness, while being alone is sometimes scary, you absolutely must love yourself before you can genuinely love anyone else. But you knew I was going to say that, didn't you? Yet it's so true. And no matter how lonely you are, what time of year it is, if you're dating or single, always do your best to be confident and secure, even on those days you want to crawl back in bed and eat an extra large supreme pizza with a pint of Ben & Jerry's on the side. Because at the end of the day, loneliness will always come and go; however, it may just be the one life lesson to endure for a happy future, one that's fulfilling and is always enough...whether you're alone or not. Hugs, Erin Questions to ponder per the above: When you feel lonely, do you reach out to old loves? Where do you find confidence in the lonely moments? What makes you feel better? Can you indeed find someone in this virtual world?

You've seen "Funny Girl" with the one and only BARBRA, right?? Parades. When I first got divorced, I didn't know there was an unknown type of parade for men and women to regain their sexual appetite. Who knew? A very in-tune friend of mine said to me, “Have you been on your “d**k” parade or to guys "can I see if you are on your “p**y” parade"? WOW! Although it began to make sense. Your body craves a human touch. That's who we are. But as I thought more about it, the human touch in a loving relationship differs from what she was talking about. Then it hit me immediately, along with other friends, newly single, divorced, whatever. Men and women suddenly come out of the woodwork to have fun – with absolutely no commitment. When you're coming out of an emotional divorce, it's so hard to see the light in the tunnel. You feel lost; you do not want to jump into a new relationship too fast and you have to work through your emotions, whether you have a love/hate with your ex or a newfound friendship. And sometimes - more often than not - those parades are not disrespectful. Down the road, they may get you out of a rut. I mean, you do you and always practice safe sex...yes?...YES?? Years later, I look back and chuckle with other divorcee friends, hearing about their adventures. And here's the deal we've all concluded: There is ZERO shame in a parade that you want to march your ass to, to feel alive again after a long time of hurt. Get out there, be safe and have some adventures. Then you'll figure out when to seek out your longer-term relationship - maybe it's with your new drum major! - and never settle. Love you! Erin

Yes, they can happen to you, and after talking to some close friends and colleagues about the topic, I admit I was a bit taken aback - no judgments, though - about how uninformed many post-divorce adults know about sexually transmitted diseases. And just because you may be 30+ doesn’t mean they can't happen to you. After talking to one friend about her experience with herpes, she felt her insides had blown up, and she didn’t know if it was dormant or if she had just contracted it. Yep, that can happen. She shared how miserable the feeling was and that it sometimes does not go away until 2-4 weeks of treatment. It can begin with something as simple as a cold sore or something seemingly common. At any rate, it's important that we all be careful out there. After speaking to her, I started thinking, and my reaction was "wow". How much do we as a sexually active community of adults know about STDs? Here are the top 8 STDs most often contracted by 30+ men and women: Herpes Syphilis Hepatitis Trichomoniasis Gonorrhea Chlamydia HIV – Human Immunodeficiency Virus HPV - Human Papillomavirus There is an excellent article on the Pfizer (link) website about these diseases symptoms and a general overview, and I urge you to read it. One fact I found mind blowing is that half of the 26 million new cases annually occur in young people according to the the CDC. Shouldn't they be some of the first to learn and be most aware? The moral of this blog is to first and foremost be careful out there, and equally importantly, DO NOT be afraid to ask a new partner about his/her past or testing. I even have friends who invite their new boy or girl friends to have a test before engaging in any sexual activity. Think about it. Stay healthy & safe, Erin

OK, boys and girls, here we are. A new year and newly – or not the so-newly – single life. What to do? Start drinking mimosas when you wake up on New Year’s Eve and don’t stop until January 2, or pull yourself together and make some real strides on how you want 2023 to play out for you. I choose the latter, and the below sources from the Huffington Post (a favorite go-to of mine) outline some remarkable things to practice and put perspective around. Sure, I could joke about bad hook-ups, awkward encounters with former exes, walks of shame, etc., but here’s some REAL stuff you need to consider and practice in ’23. I promise you’ll feel like a new person by this time next year. Respect Your Ex It may sound not easy, but it's a necessity. Treating your ex with kindness and respect will be better for you and your kids. This includes not speaking negatively of your ex in front of the kids. Could you call a friend if you need to vent? Take the High Road If you feel dragged into another argument, take a step back and be the bigger person. Realize that falling into this negativity is toxic and benefits no one. Stop Over-Thinking It's easy to obsess over what went wrong and why, but you know why. Leave it behind you and take the lessons learned forward. Be Present Living in the moment allows you to appreciate those around you genuinely. Focusing on the past can be depressing, and concentrating on the future can cause fear and anxiety. All that matters is how you spend your time with those you love. Focus on You: The new year is an ideal time to focus on your needs and take time for yourself. Set some time aside to pursue a hobby or interest. Take a class that interests you. Focus on what makes you the happiest, and do that! Consider Dating Letting emotions get the best of you and hibernating would be easy. However, you must take stock of your self-esteem and ensure you are in a good place before leaping back into the dating pool. Be Patient Don't be too hard on yourself. If you need to cry, let yourself cry. Remember that this is a difficult transition and to be kind to yourself. But be sure not to wallow. It's a hard line to draw but an important one not to cross. Ask for Help Utilize your support system: they want to help you! If you feel isolated or depressed, let your friends and family know. Tell them what you need from them, whether simply listening or being a companion. · Take Control Of your finances, that is. Create a budget, analyze your retirement accounts, create an emergency fund, and take a look at your investments. Knowing what you have will help you make informed decisions throughout the new year. In closing, I want to thank you ALL for joining me on this new journey of my life. Divorcee Dish is for women, men, gay, straight, gender-fluid, whoever, whenever they wish to read, vent, scream, whatever. It has been one of my greatest joys of 2022 to create and share this with you, and I hope you feel the love I’m sending back with each and every blog post and social media comment, you name it! I wish you all a wonder-filled, adventurous self-discovery 2023 - whatever it’s going to be -and it brings you even more knowledge, self-assurance, peace, and joy! Xo, Erin Original HuffPo source: Nicole Gussick for Divorce Magazine.

Do you want a divorce? Or do you just need a break? Marriage does not differentiate for brides or grooms; it can be blissful whether you're a traditional duo or in a same-sex commitment, but no matter, it's a heckuva lot of work. And I promise you, marriage will test every bone in your body, making you wonder if you'll break or make it to the light at the end of the tunnel. And those vows? Through good times and bad, sickness and health, but come on, how much can you really take when you begin the thought of your partner can simultaneously make you want to puke or float around on cloud nine? On top of that, this is the time of year when people love to talk smack and at the same time hear dirt about everyone else (EVERYONE, and that includes you, sweetie), whether your relationship is smooth sailing or in choppy waters. Christmas parties are ground zero for rumors, true or false, and family functions can be overwhelming, to say the least (Aunt Martha never knows when to keep her big mouth shut, does she?), creating extra stress on you and your partner. It's even more horrible when there are kids involved. All children - whether young or old - have high expectations at holiday time and excellent (for them anyway) memories of years of tradition. That's a lot of pressure, huh? Keeping your head on straight when there is tension in the home can lead to a blow-up. And does that blow-up mean you really want a divorce? Let’s look at the top reasons and seasons when women and men divorce. Reasons: You were married before your 22 birthday and have since become different people. Some affairs of the heart, whether physical or emotional, matter. You have naturally grown in the opposite direction; one of you is stagnant, and the other is always creating a new positive path. There has been physical or mental abuse. You sleep in separate bedrooms, and the intimacy is just gone. Seasons (yes, there really are seasons when divorce rates climb): According to a divorce lawyer friend, March, August and January are the top months when couples split. “Divorce is seasonal,” Vicky Townsend, co-founder, and chief executive of the National Association of Divorce Professionals, was quoted as saying last month in The New York Times states. Her network comprises specialists like lawyers, therapists, and tax advisers who may be used in divorce proceedings. From Thanksgiving until New Year’s, lawyers’ offices are slow because people have put off divorce until after the holidays, Ms. Townsend said. And she noted that people who may have been considering a divorce in the year's final months often put off the decision until the holidays have finished. The idea may be, “New Year’s resolutions — it’s a new year, new you, new start,” she said. “The holidays are over, and I’m not going into this year as miserable as last year.” – thus putting it off until the holidays are over. So, there you have it: Lots of food for thought in this DD blog edition, and absolutely none of this information should be taken lightly, decisions made harshly or in the heat of the moment. However, in closing, we have 4 days until the new year. Do you genuinely want to go it alone or stand by your 'soulmate'? It's a HUGE decision. Take care of yourselves, Erin

Happy 2023 Dishers, raise your hand if you'd like to go back to elementary school (I didn’t think so). I hope your first few days of the New Year have been good ones! Mine have been great, and I'm already feeling empowered working through the many topics we'll be tackling this year. As I explored various dating apps throughout the holidays, I noticed many things, some OK, others just plain bizarre. Then, it came to me: This is just like elementary school. Swipe left for no and right for yes. Gawd! It's like the notes we used to pass in class in elementary, middle, and high school. You know the drill. Check the box if you like so and so: Along with an array of other ridiculous questions, comments, and more that only a pre-pubescent or teenager would answer. However, with dating apps circa 2023, the pressure seems to be all on us ladies and gentlemen for almost every app. These apps are also filled with a flurry of fake profiles I've caught, which include the following faux pas that are dead giveaways of certifiable creeps (MEN/WOMAN ALIKE): 1) They are not verified 2) They do not use proper grammar 3) They do not know where they live (i.e., always traveling) 4) When asked for a last name or link to a profile outside the dating site, they send you something bogus. 5) They ask you for money to get “home" if you do agree to a date that leads to something more. App daters, please be aware. Sadly, we live in a society where virtualization begins or ends a relationship. The messaging systems and the texting….that’s about it. It was so much better when men would call women - or women called men, women called other women - and on and on and on - if you really wanted to get to know them or vice versa. The recordings on dating sites attempt this; however, it's not enough, far from it. Real dating needs a big dose of the human element, my friends because this virtual world is a hot mess. True love, even true like (nothing wrong with that), is out there for everyone, but it ain't simple these days. Although it could be very elementary - in the best sense of the word - if we simply give it a try. HNY, Erin

When you're divorced, you're gonna make mistakes. No doubt about it, period; that's the way it is. You're going to say the wrong things, act on questionable urges, and be confused and utterly unsure about appropriate actions on certain days, nights, and weeks. But it'll be alright, I promise. How? These are all learning experiences in your new world of single-dom. Lord knows, I've said, texted, or emailed so many things I shouldn’t have to my ex, my kids, my friends, my family, and the list goes on and on and on and on. And not for nothing; this could be when the famous saying, “I put my foot in the mouth,” originated! But it's not just me; this applies to everyone going through what we're all going through now. People in the big imperfect world say things they don't always mean and/or are unsure how to communicate. And not for nothing, communication is in slang or acronyms with mobile devices. And more often than not, it comes across in a way - particularly in an email or text - that can sting. But here's the thing... I have realized that when mistakes happen, and I start to get sensitive, I choose to voice my opinion. MY OPINION. For example, the other day, I accomplished a lifelong dream of publishing two books, a lifelong dream for me (one is for children, and the other is all about divorce). This experience has been such an empowering learning experience for me. I self-published them both and figured out how to navigate getting both on Amazon, and into the hands of prominent box vendors. Not easy at all, it was super stressful making final edits and getting the books in distribution, but I DID IT. Then came some unkind critiques. I’m open to them; however, the way they were said made me feel less than a newly published author, and I reacted in, well, not the best way. But I kept my cool and kept everything in line...with my voice. Voicing how you feel is fantastic in your growth journey and taking a stand for yourself is beyond liberating. Did I make some mistakes? Absolutely. But so many times mistakes happen and when from the mouth, your fingers (emailing, texting), and then that's when the actions really begin! However, I always try to learn from any errors and keep moving on a positive path. Also, forgive yourself – you are the only person who can deal with all the crazy emotions and stress...not everyone, not just a friend or two, YOU. Peace & love, Erin

As we head out of 2022, let's do a journaling activity. Could you take time to answer the questions below in your journal? All you need: · A notebook · Pen · Your thoughts Ask yourself these 5 questions: 1) What are three things you accomplished this year? 2) What have you learned about yourself? 3) What have you learned about divorce, in general? 4) How would you treat yourself if you could take a day just for yourself? 5) What are you looking forward to doing in 2023? Please share your story and answers on our Facebook page or message us directly! Thanks much! Erin

So thrilled to announce that the Amazon.com and Amazon Kindle version of my new book Divorcee Dish is now available at amazon.com! Please check it out because there IS life after divorce. In fact, there is a big, beautiful life out there just waiting for you, I promise. This book will challenge you to find & create it. And push yourself to create a new routine for yourself that brings you joy because you certainly deserve it. Also, please follow us on Facebook and Instagram! Xo, Erin

We just wanted to wish you a very Happy Holiday Season from our DD family! We'll resume our normal blogging regimen starting tomorrow & P.S you can now download the Amazon Kindle Ebook for FREE!