Do not fear because before during, and after the D-word, you may feel like your life is in a rut, and you're unsure how to shake it off. Being in a weird place is part of it all, the downfall after the relief, grief, whatever you're feeling, that your marriage is truly over, and it sucks! I recently joined a few Facebook Groups focusing on separation, divorce, and guidance. It's heart-wrenching at times to read and hear others' heartbreaking stories about how they're coping (or not), but on the flip side, sometimes their experiences are filled with joy and success. One man the other day said, “I just feel like dying; it hurts so bad.” Or the woman who just found out that her husband had been cheating on her for the past ten years while she thought she had the perfect marriage. Soul-crushing to hear, yet thousands and thousands of women and men feel the same way. What do you say to that, and how does that make you feel? Not great, I'm here to tell you. Then there is the debate over divorce: Could I? Should I? The situations are endless and personalized; however, I've pulled together five tips from my own experience, and other reliable sources, for pulling oneself out of the infinite rut divorce can cause: When you feel hopeless and cannot stop crying, PLEASE ask anyone to come over and let you feel the feelings and settle down. I can no longer count how often I called in friends when I felt the pain, slightly embarrassed but knowing it was for the best. Get out of your house. You may not feel like it, and I don't mean hitting the bars to socialize; go for a peaceful walk, preferably somewhere with nature surrounding you, not city/neighborhood noise. Find a place to sit and take in the beauty. Being with nature will decrease anxiety by leaps and bounds, and you'll be pleasantly surprised by how you feel once you get out. Start a new hobby that keeps your mind busy...but not so busy that you're not coping with reality. Some people get hyper about anything new to avoid the feelings, but guess what? That's a recipe for disappointment, so be realistic and go easy with hobbies, whether pickleball, knitting, crossword puzzles, or reading new books in your newfound time. Find something you can get into. Don't become manic about it. Be easy on yourself. You have been through one of the most traumatic events in your life, and no matter how you got there, be gentle with y-o-u. It's perfectly OK to want to practice self-care and not do anything for a day, and you should plan those days. E.g., this Saturday, I will do whatever I want, when I want, even if it's nothing. Fine to do. Journal your feelings, join groups and share your story. You will be surprised by learning about and learning from strangers. Hearing their stories will make you feel connected and that others have your back. There are an array of support groups, and when you find one that clicks for you, you'll realize, hey, that’s what happened to my marriage too. Maybe make a new friend in the local group and meet for coffee. It will make you feel less alone because you are NOT alone. Getting out of a divorce rut takes time, but remember that when you’re finally feeling better, you may hit another one. Very common and won't last forever because just one day, though it seems dark, is not forever, and you'll feel the sunshine again and become that new version of yourself you've wanted since your permanent separation from your ex-partner. Have faith in yourself; you are stronger than you think. 'Til next time, Erin Questions to ask yourself when you're feeling in a rut: What is one thing I can do for myself today? What interests me the most? Did I journal today? Did I join an online group?

Let us know and we will have a second part series - thanks for sharing!

As a fellow divorcee, I find myself at many times and in many ways getting frustrated at situations that may be within my control or on the flip side, out of my control. It’s called life and we must learn to figure out how to navigate the more constant frustrations that pop up here and there. To name a few, although I could list 100, let’s begin. The top divorce frustrations, immediately after the finalization: • You are just lost in your thoughts • You start to lose friends • You feel like you are the only one hurting so bad but remember, you have other people in your life besides your ex; please reach out • Continued disagreement about financials with your ex • Poor communication between you and your ex • Challenging and confusing schedules for your kids Year one and beyond: • Eating alone • You find yourself crying at any minute of the day • You are often left with people not thinking about you • You are not invited to the typical gathering; people may think that’s all you’ll talk about, but you know it’s not • You try to get out and do things but do not feel like it; your mind and body have been through so much, but give yourself a pass and some time • You miss seeing your kids every day • You are unsure how to navigate the dating world And to that point, here are some top dating frustrations: •  You are not connecting with anyone you meet •  You find that men and women are on all the same sites, and you are not matching •  You match, and you find out this person is a bit off his/her kilter •  They overshare information that is more suited for an in-person conversation •  You meet someone whose photos are fake •  You fall for a fake profile •  You go on a date, and they only want one thing •  You are not aligned with the other person’s beliefs •  You are not sure where to meet people Believe me, none of the above are atypical; every day can bring frustration when you’re divorced and at some point when you’re ready to try and find love again. But remember, you are not alone; I promise there is story after story with similar situations that can be resolved. I write this because I got so frustrated the other day that I couldn’t see straight. Was it my kids? NO. Was it something that didn’t go right with work? NO. Was it someone I talked to that may have led to something romantic? Things were too good to be true, and I found out. YES. When I have multiple prospects, but no one ever reaches out to me first? YES. But such is life, and it’s full of frustrations that happen every day. My advice is to take a minute or a day and wind down, put things in perspective, and keep your head up. You never know what’s around the corner. Hang tough! Erin

Hey, all you men out there looking for love need to know what women think of your online dating profile. Maybe you’re just trying to get back in the dating pool; maybe you want a hookup; or maybe you don’t know how to get started. Well, I’m here to give you some tips. How to attract decent, down-to-earth women looking for simple fun or their next new relationship. Either way, you need to be a gentleman, not the guy who gets a girl's number and then pushes it downhill in a hurry. Some of the things men place out there are offensive. Gathered from a pool of several women, let’s start with what most females do not want to see once you’ve made initial contact. •  You are in your bathroom half-naked, taking a photo in your mirror (amateur) • At the gym with your shirt off • Leaving nothing for her imagination; I mean really, you think that’s going to get you a woman? •  Your fish - dude, no one wants to see how big your fish are •  Political nutcases – e.g., Trump supporters, please step left & out •  Making fun of someone else’s profile •  Lying to get a date •  D**k pics of any kind are unacceptable…please are you that much of a boy? •  Old photos of you that you are 20 years younger, when you look completely different now •  Asking for your number right after you meet; settle down, if the woman is worth it be patient • Try to stick to one dating app, not ALL of them; It looks like you want to hook up with anyone who may swipe right (which is what many guys want but we don’t) . Now, here are some things you can do for a decent, real profile: • Be yourself • Be honest • Pay to be a subscriber, which means you’re serious • Keep your photos current • Fill out your profile and pay the fee to be verified or subscribed • If you need to learn how to take great photos of yourself, ask a friend • Find a connection and keep it cool until it’s time to ask her out • Then, ask her out; no one wants an online relationship long-term • Be a gentleman, not a woman likes an ahole • DO NOT ghost anyone; tell them flat out you’re not interested, be an adult, for god’s sake Women want a man who is calm, cool, and confident. Guys pull yourselves together! Here are some questions to consider: • Why would you show yourself naked? • What is your purpose? • Why would you not use words – you are an adult, aren’t you? • What do you want are you seeking, be honest? Until next time, Erin

I'd be 99% sure most of you have run into this situation: A friend has turned lover or possibly your next lover. I feel I am in a cycle with someone I know who's a great friend, but my heart keeps going pitty-pat every time I think about him. I'm very unsure if that's good or bad. We see each other more often than not, and nothing happens, which leads me to believe we are “just friends.” This person has said he values our friendship and doesn’t want to ruin that. Fair enough, right? And while I completely agree with him, we hooked up on and off many moons ago throughout our late teens. A few years later, he dropped this bomb on me when I was married and pregnant with my twins: "I wish I had grabbed you years ago." Really bad timing! Now I find myself divorced and single and not a man in sight. I am mostly all right with that, but it would be nice to have someone to hang out with on nights I don't have my kids or go out. I mean, we are all human and want a connection. Cue the Carrie Bradshaw in me: Wishing and wanting, though not making a move. Even one of my daughters was like mom, make your move -ha! But in all seriousness, it's tough when you don't know what the other person is thinking. Relationships take time, that’s for sure, but how much longer should I wait? Tell me! Erin Questions for you: Have you ever felt this way about someone? Did you make a move or talk about your feelings? Or were you waiting for the other to make that initial move?

This topic may apply to your marriage, your divorce, or a relationship you’re currently in, and we’re here to cover all angles so that, ultimately, you’re healthy (yep, that’s the one) and happy. A lot of people stick out of a toxic marriage or relationship for the sake of their kids - or another reason entirely - and are miserable. They have lost themselves in being a parent, supporting their partner, or whatever. We’re all prone to it because it’s a daily routine: You’re up and rushing to get the kids to school or yourself and your partner to work. Then it's time to pick the kids up and cook dinner, put them to bed, unwind with a glass of wine, and do it all over again. Then you think, “what did I do” for me today? Before you know it, you’re 50 or 60 years old, look in the mirror and say, “What the hell am I doing?” Next up, you’ve been divorced for a year or two or more. You’re working and perhaps raising children with or without a partner. Your schedule hasn’t given up, but the one thing you have changed is the person causing you distress the most partially (at least) out of your life. However, now it’s a bit more complicated. You’re a single parent on some days, dealing with everything both parents would typically do. It’s like being a single pet owner who needs to run home and let the dog out. You have a schedule you can deal with, however, and while it may be flexible, it can also be draining. Then you are trying to build a relationship with a newfound friend. OK, you first find them fun and caring, and he/she takes your mind away from your daily stressors. But in many instances, they become one of those stressors before you know it. S***. Worst case scenario, here’s what toxic relationships look like: There is a trust issue at stake that should be discussed. There is zero intimacy. There needs to be more communication; however, there is very little. There is fighting. You never go out together. You repeat, “I love you out” of habit, not from true feelings. There is mental or physical abuse. You feel as if you are on a ship that is sinking. You are depressed. People ask if you are all right more times than you can count. You are annoyed when your newfound friend contacts you. You both lie to each other. You cannot seem to keep it together emotionally or mentally. Now the good stuff: Here’s what a happy, healthy relationship looks like: You’re always happy to see each other. You find yourself laughing daily. You and your partner tell each other everything and cannot wait to share. There is intimacy. There is support when one is run down. You both practice self-care to be your best for each other and, if there are any, for the kids. You make decisions together, and there is a good balance. And while there may be disagreements and a fight or two, they’re normal, more significant issues vs. the way the toilet paper faces. These are just a few examples of what both types of relationships could look like. Which looks better to you? C’mon, you know which one, although unfortunately, some people thrive off the drama and are into it (stay far away from them and, for god’s sake, don’t become that), while others run from it (that one either). At the end of the day, while it may sound quite simple, the best advice we can give you is to look at the relationship you’re currently in and decide what will most help you be the happy, healthy woman or man you can be. Xo, Erin

Photos by: Forbes, AP and People Magazine. So if you feel down and like your world is in chaos, take a moment to think about each item that may be bothering you and then find some comic relief. Lately, during the time without kiddos, I changed my ways of watching things for some comedy. It has made an enormous difference in how I approach situations, turning them into possible laughs thanks to the many talented stand-up comedians I found on Netflix. Take these women and the latest streaming shows: Click through for previews: · Chelsea Handler: Revolution (2022) · Amy Schumer: Parental Advisory (2022) · Taylor Tomlinson: Look At You (2022) · Iliza Shlesinger: Hot Forever: (2022)) · Wanda Sykes: Stand Out (2022) · Fortune Feimster: Good Fortune (2022) · Trevor Noah: I Wish I Would · Jo Koy The above and many moves cover every area of life and the best way possible. These comedic geniuses are just that….there to make you belly laugh. When things seem complicated, and you know one day it will get better, and you're not sure how to navigate how – take a few to laugh; you may laugh so hard you cry; however, you need it for your mind, body, and soul. Note: some content may be offensive for some; we merely want to ensure your belly laughs for all or most of it. Happy laughing! Erin Questions: What makes you laugh the most? Can you look back at situations in relationships and laugh? Do you think of someone or something that places a smile on your face? Can you remember each day to take 10 minutes to sit and laugh?

The world is a crazy place, yet you can find goodness in the company of good friends and family. Being divorced can be a challenging during this Holiday Season, nevertheless there is SO much to be thankful for in your world. I am thankful for the following: I am grateful for my children; I have three awesome kids. I am thankful for my home; I have made it my own. I am thankful for my family; especially my silly, crazy nieces and siblings. I am thankful for a warm bed; so nice to be cozy during the night. I am thankful for my daily latte; it brightens every day. I am thankful for my Peloton; it releases the stress I need to let go of. I am thankful for the @DailyCalm ; Meditation grounds you. I am thankful for wonderful neighbors who would do anything for me. I am grateful for all the silly nights with my friends and for laughing for hours. I am thankful for wine; wine can be good for the soul. I am grateful for my hometown, Louisville, Kentucky, its food, the bourbon, the people and the small businesses it supports like mine.It is a great place to be. I am thankful for my spirit of entrepreneurship and for always working on new adventures. I am thankful for the solo trip I took in April….it was just what I needed. I am thankful for new traditions. I am thankful that the two books I’ve been writing will be coming out soon. I am so thankful I started the Divorcee Dish Journey; I love writing and sharing stories with fellow Dishers. Those are just a few things I am thankful for, but there are so many more that warm my heart. What are you thankful for? Blessings to you all, Erin

When you are going through a divorce, any aspect of it is painful unless you have an impossible situation where there is no other way out. Most of the stories I have heard are we just became different people, or we grew apart, or there was just a moment when we knew we had to make this move so we could be better people for our children. Whatever the reason, to fully heal, you must reflect on your journey as a couple. This is the beginning of my story. I met my husband in 1997; we were both dating other people and met while being servers. We slowly saw this innate and something we both wanted after not being happy in our current situations. We dated the same people through college and realized there must be more out there when we met each other. At that point, I had never cheated on a boyfriend, ever. He had been through some rougher spots in his relationship than others but had moved across the country to be with his person. Little did we know that within four months, we would be an item and move in together within a year. Then within two years became married in 2000. Our marriage was great the first year, every month, he sent me flowers, and we would go out with friends and such. We were very much in that marital bliss. Years went by, and we wanted children, which wasn't as easy as it seemed. I suffered one miscarriage in 2003, which was heartbreaking; then, through a rough battle with endometriosis, I had to seek specialists to guide us into how we could have children. A year of a couple of surgeries to fix "clean out" the endometriosis proved difficult for us emotionally and psychically. When you are trying to get pregnant, it just does not happen. That can be stressful enough to ruin a marriage. However, we remain hopeful, sad but hopeful. Regarding: Fertility issues, we will have a different blog focusing on that subject. After a year of trying, we discovered we were pregnant with twins. With the help of our fertility doctor, the twins would be born exactly two years later, on the same date we had pulled up to the hospital for a D & C. My water broke early one morning, and we met our beautiful twin girls within hours. So much excitement was going on but so much stress and worry about will we would be able to handle all of it. Of course, we did, but as all parents struggle at first, you become a pro in no time. However, I am going to be very direct. It is hard as af to live on no sleep, worry about your kids, will I keep them happy and healthy --- and of course, that never stops. During this phase, it was a time that my husband would have to travel a lot for his job, and I was often alone with the twins and enjoying every moment; however, after months of this, I started to become sad because I felt he was missing out on some of the development of the girls. However, I would continue to pick them up early from daycare every day and take them to the park to swing and watch as they became little people. After three years, we had grown out of our home with two munchkins running around our first home, and it was time to seek a more significant place. We fell in love with a house just three streets over, and we moved; little did we know, I was pregnant again, only to lose the baby shortly after moving into our new house. That was a very tough loss, and so many women/ couples go through this daily. I was shocked I was pregnant, but seeing that 8-week check-up and seeing no heartbeat caused a significant strain on us. I started to become distant but celebrated what I did have: two healthy girls, a new house, and new heartbreak. Peace & Love, Erin Share your story by emailing divorceedish@gmail.com

Communication is Key A well-known topic of contention between couples of all ages. How do we best communicate? Can we feel free to say anything and not be judged? Can we say nothing at all, and whatever is lurking goes away? Answer: Communication is Key. You must be able to talk to your partner, whether married, dating, or divorcing – clear communication is critical. Some say it is just my personality, or I do not know what to say….That is total bs. Everyone should and can say what they want; don’t be scared. The feeling you explore in your heart should be shared, honesty is the best policy, but when it comes to relationships, people seem to dance around the truth. I am so very guilty of that; you may have feelings for multiple people after a divorce; not only do you feel the guilt of your divorce, but you have these confusing feelings. However, you know damn well you would never get back with your ex. It's just grief and confusion that have overcome you. You will get past it. Moving on to the next is harder sometimes than you think. As I have experienced, you crave attention and touch but do not know if it's because you have not had that feeling in so long due to your divorce or if you have genuine feelings that need to be explored. Maybe……and that’s all right. You can feel free to do anything you want. Exploration is also key to moving on and feeling as if you may someday be ready to start anew. Back to the subject at hand, communication is critical. Be upfront and personal with your new person or persons. If you are not ready for a relationship, say it; just because you are dating doesn’t mean you are destined to be married to this person. Take time to explore; you may or may not have been in a long marriage, but again, do not jump right in; take time to see what is out there, and do not settle for anything but what you deserve. Your partner should be your best friend, your go-to, and everything else. Good Luck in your search! We are here for you. Divorcee Dish Team

Warning Trigger blog: My parents divorced when I was 15 years old, my sister 8, my brother 5, and it was one of the most challenging periods of my life. I was a teenager lost in hormones and emotions. My sister and brother were too young to fully understand. My mom was devastated. Over the first year, I remember feeling raw and I rebelled; boy did I rebel. However, I also stepped up to the plate and helped my mom. It was such a tumultuous time. My siblings were at a loss. My sister was very close to my dad and it was particularly difficult for her. As the oldest, this took a big toll on me. My dad quickly introduced his new girlfriend to us. Innocently, we did not know what to think. I remember being so confused and crushed that he had someone else, and my mom was really suffering. My high school friends were there for me and supported my every move, but I often say I’ve been raising myself since I was 15, along with helping my sister and brother. There was so much hatred in my parent's divorce that I knew if that ever happened to me, I would make sure it was as positive a situation as possible. Though I thought when I got married we would be together forever, as we all know since I began this blog, that wasn’t the case. A few years have passed since my divorce; my twin daughters were 13, my son was 7, and it was the hardest thing we (me and my ex) ever had to tell these sweet children, who were so innocent. Emotions were raw for everyone. I was the one who moved out and needed a fresh start, and wow, did that hurt. Though knowing the divorce was the right thing to do after years of us growing apart it was, and continues to be, one of the most challenging experiences of my life. You may feel like you can finally breathe in the early days of a split, but emotions will be there for years to come. However, I know in my heart my ex and I made the right decision as to what was best for our family. As the twins have grown older and matured, they have worked through many of their emotions, however, my son is now showing symptoms of PTSD. He’s been triggered by his dad and I moving on in different directions and he has been asking, “Why are you and daddy not together?” and “Why didn’t you try harder?” and “All of this is so overwhelming," as tears run down his face. I console him the best I can. However, I feel his raw emotions on that surface, which hurts me inside. My sweet boy is devasted and just now realizing it. My ex and I have a good co-parenting relationship. We also promised the kids we would work together and have meals, some holidays, etc., which has and hasn’t worked over the past few years. It's a process. My point is that raw emotion can hit anyone anytime, anywhere, and bubbles up from the past. Showing love and compassion and seeking therapy for you, your ex, and your children is key to survival. When those moments happen, stop what you are doing, listen and show LOVE. One day we may heal completely but there is no definitive timeline I can give you on that. But here is something I promise will help even on the roughest days: Keep your head up and focus on the here and now. Take care of yourself so you can handle these situations. Onward and upward, Erin Share this post:

Whatever your age, if you loved dressing up as a kid (who didn't?); getting costume crazy in college; or currently have tiny tots or adult children, memories of Halloweens past are likely to swirl through your mind like a witch on a broom, bringing up an array of emotions. But don't get spooked, lock your doors and turn out all the lights this weekend due to a late October pity party (plus, do you want to wake up November 1 to a yard full of toilet-papered trees...or worse?). No! Turn the situation around and celebrate the day and night - after all, there's a lot of candy and chocolate involved, which in our blog is always a win - your way this year. Here's how: · If you have kids that are trick-or-treating age, make a plan with your ex (if you're on good terms) or a good friend and their children to do a joint neighborhood or safe place jaunt so the little ones can load up on treats and you can all have a good time, drama- and stress-free; · No kids? No problem. Check-in with your friends and sniff around for an invite to Halloween events for grownups, whether costume parties or casual get-togethers. And GO if you're invited! · Not into either of the above, or they're not options? No worries because this could be one the best plans of all: Stock up on your favorite spirit(s) or non-alcoholic beverages, pick out your favorite delivery restaurant, order everything - and I mean EVERYTHING - on the menu, you want (be sure to call or text enough in advance because they'll be busy this weekend), binge your fa vorite Netflix or other streaming service or completely crank up your stereo, and live it up in your den/living room or even more decadent, in bed (by yourself or not, wink wink)! And if the thought of being separated from your loved ones, especially your children, on this kid-centric holiday has you down, please check out "The Divorced Mom's Guide to Halloween" (link https://tinybeans.com/the-divorced-moms-guide-to-halloween/) from tinybeans.com, and "Halloween Tips for Divorced Dads" (link https://dadsdivorce.com/articles/halloween-tips-for-divorced-dads/) from dadsdivorce.com, both filled with great advice on how to cope. We wish you all a safe and treat-filled Halloween! Erin